Lately i’ve been giving no fucks about anything and just having fun. Tonight has been the first night in like, gee I don’t know, two months where my heart just starts bleeding out memories and loneliness. As much as i’ve tried to bury these memories and emotions, they seem to be haunting me tonight and i’ve been doing the wrong things to “move on.” I know mistakes happen. But the part that bothers me the most is the fact that i’m really missing this unnamed person. And while I sink myself back into this longing tonight, all I can think is, now it’s all different. Because now he has someone who makes him happy and gives him everything I couldn’t.
Yes. For the first time in two months, Josh becomes the main subject in my mind tonight. Just my mind. And that’s the problem. It just really sucks.
Ughdhshddj I feel weak again.
Being alone has always been a blessing and a danger for me. A blessing because no one is here to interrupt my thoughts, my anger, my feelings, my oxygen. A danger, because the empty space surrounding me becomes sinister, cold, and the loneliness becomes a physical pain that builds up inside me and burns my own thoughts and builds anger. And the tears. The tears begin to drown me with no one to dive in and save me.
I’ve never felt so alone in my life like I do now. And I have finally learned that this is how it has always been and how it will always be. Because no matter what comes out of anyone’s mouth, no one will ever truly mean it when the say “I will always be here.” it’s a mistake that most humans will commit. and learning how to embrace it is the never-ending obstacle that I will have to battle.
But will it defeat me?
I’m already falling into it’s deep hole disguised as the empty room I am in.
I’ve never felt so unwanted by everyone as badly as I do now.
Bleeding on the inside.
I wonder if every year I will think of photo albums that will never exist and cries I won’t get to hear.
I don’t understand why i’m so sad. It was for the best. Still, I can’t help but imagine what it would have been like. And lately it’s all I think about.
I wish there was a way I could let go.
Two nights ago I had a dream. He was looking up at me with big round eyes just like mine, only a different color, a color i’m way familiar with. I woke up sore, aching, because that was the only image i’d have in my memory for the rest of my life. I never got to meet him in this life. I know this world would’ve been too cruel and cold anyways. But yet, I miss him. And I love him. And after 3 months of getting used to the emptiness in my body, I still to this day realize what I lost, would have been worth fighting for. He would have been my life. But he is still a little angel. I’m not much of a believer of “heaven” or “god,” but I’m sure he is happy where he is now. Because everything in his world is perfect and nothing like it would have been down here. I will never get to feel the softness of his skin, his cheeks, but I will forever love him and keep in mind, that he wasn’t meant to be here with me.
Lies. Lies. Lies.
Congratulations, for making everything feel like it was all my fault. As usual. It worked, because now I want to badly hurt myself.
I don’t know why I let the argument keep going on.
I remember back in high school, how difficult it was for me to be in choir. I messed up alot, and only when I was alone could I hit the notes to Lux Aurumque but during rehearsal: nothing. I’ve always had issues with people watching me do anything. I remember Ahern calling me out on self confidence and that i’d made concert choir for a reason. I was so afraid of her (she was a creepy witch looking ghost hunter. Like a legit one.) Anyway, because she intimidated me so much, I focused all those goosebumps she gave me into finding my head voice every time I missed those darn notes. During a rehearsal before my senior baccalaureate, I knew I had finally got it right when I felt light headed and a sudden chill ran up my spine. And I got the famous nod of approval. I will never forget the feeling I got that moment.
I’m no musician, but performing in concert choir gave me a feeling that I wouldn’t know how to describe. Everytime, I blended with the lullaby, it was incredible when I thought about how I was a tiny little component to one of the many Whitacre masterpieces Ahern made us perform. Especially Lux.
Listening to Whitacre right now created this cloud of memories, that are one of the only high school memories I still treasure.
The beauty, the magic of Whitacre takes me to a completely different universe, away from the sadness i’ve been feeling these past few days, months. This universe is breathtaking.
Everyday I start to care less about what those former ‘friends’ think about me.
You people didn’t have to go through what I did. And you can’t force me to infrom you of my every detailed feeling if I don’t want to. It’s an invasion of everything for me.
Why do I even vent on this stupid blog. Oh wait, I have no one else to turn to.
Uncomfortably feeling like everyone around me hates me, and not knowing why. :/
I want to crawl under a rock forever.
I’m still in love with the guy I dated in high school. And as much as I make it seem like life moves on and i’m ok with talking to him as a friend, every text I got tonight made me want to break inside. And I know he won’t ever be that caring, amazing person I lost a long time ago, as he has turned into this careless, obnoxious person with no morals or respect for women or anyone else at all.
If only he knew the truth. He’d probably hate me more.
:/ No one cares, but this is my place to vent. And I feel like i’m slowly sinking into this empty hole of sadness and loneliness.
I give up on today. The talk, everything. I’ll grieve alone like I have for the past two months, the reason it is harder to move on, the only part that still connected us and he never knew about. It’s not like he would care anyway.